Animal behaviorist Dr. Kale Crumlin didn’t know how close he was to the truth when a few months ago he first shared his observations with a small circle of colleagues in a paper titled, “The Behavior and Habits of Hillary Clinton,” in which he compared the former First Lady to the dominant female in a clan of spotted hyenas, also known as laughing hyenas.
“The cackle, the facial expressions, and the predisposition to dominate males were the first behavioral clues,” wrote Dr. Crumlin, referring to a known scientific fact that spotted hyena society is matriarchal; females are larger than males and dominate them in a pack, with even the lowest ranking females being dominant over the highest ranking males. ”The males are so nervous around females that it’s very easy to tell them apart,” he observed, “even if everyone in the room is wearing pants.”
“The hyena is the only mammalian species whose females are equipped with a pseudo-penis and lack an external vaginal opening,” Dr. Crumlin noted, pointing out that “one route to female dominance is to increase the level of testosterone, which goes hand in hand with aggressive behavior and larger body size.”
Dr. Crumlin concluded his paper by suggesting to test Mrs. Clinton’s DNA samples for possible traces of hyena lineage.
This week a scientific analysis of Mrs. Clinton’s DNA has finally confirmed Dr. Crumlin’s prediction, detecting a significant amount of the spotted hyena DNA in her otherwise English, Welsh, Scottish, French, and French Canadian ancestry, with multiple family relationships to Madonna and Céline Dion
When asked for comment, Hillary for America campaign responded that all information relating to Mrs. Clinton’s family tree was lost along with her emails during the unfortunate private server incident. At the same time, being a strong believer in identity politics, Mrs. Clinton is hopeful that these findings will help her to secure the support of minority animal voters in the coming presidential elections. –